The Journal of Joe The Peacock. Yay.: For The Ladies: The Ins And Outs Of Getting Racked

10.26.2009:

For The Ladies: The Ins And Outs Of Getting Racked

1:06 PM

This post is primarily for the ladies out there.

The reason it's for the ladies is because men already know all of this stuff. They've known it since the age of six of so. It's a constant part of our consciousness. It never leaves our minds, ever. It's pervasive to the point of being an immediate physical reaction that precludes thought and logic... Anytime anything approaches any area even remotely near our twig and berries, we immediately go into "guard" position.

But women just don't get it. They don't quite understand why the pain of being racked is such that it deserves this sort of attention. And the hard part of this is that it's several reasons packed into one, all of which aren't very easily described. But I'm going to try.

Of course, there's the embarrassment factor. Contact was just made with our unmentionables. A violation has just taken place. Aside from the immediate and lasting impact of the actual pain, there's been an emasculation, and we don't like it. That's our BOYS. You don't touch our boys... Unless its a mutually agreed-upon exchange involving intimate contact, and even then, you do it GENTLY.

Then, there's the generational impact. It's instinctive to men to protect the progenitor of future generations, and when we get racked, there's a base animal rage that flows through us in reaction to the possibility that we may have just lost our "go juice," so to speak. It's primal, and its uncontrollable, and if we could, we'd immediately kill the individual who just attempted to kill the millions upon millions of unborn lives packaged in our danglies.

But we can't, because it hurts in a way that nothing else has ever hurt, ever. I won't go so far as to say its the most excruciating pain I've ever felt... Breaking a limb (or several), or pulling a muscle / ligament from the bone, or yes, childbirth, might have higher pain thresholds. But the worst part of the pain from being racked isn't the physical sensation of pain, it's the complete shutdown of the rest of our entire bodies.

The sensation is akin to being punched in the stomach... But coupled with the inability to breathe and the black hole that just formed in the area of impact, there is a dull, throbbing pain deep within our bodies. If you asked any man to point directly to where it hurt, and they were capable of moving and/or speaking at that moment, you'd get a pointer to somewhere between the nads and the small of the back. And the pain actually varies based on the type of impact. The following guide assumes no puncture or laceration, with a force insufficient to permanently incapacitate the area:

The full-blown nutshot: This is full contact, full force on both orbs. The pain is severe, but distributed. The body shuts down. The lungs lose air. The throat can only groan. The mind concentrates immediately on the affected area.
Pain index: 8
Time of incapacity: 45-60 seconds
Lasting pain: 5-7 minutes for immediate tenderness, dull aches for an hour

The single-nut slammer: This is full contact, full force on one orb. The pain is severe, concentrated to a single roundy. As with the full-blown nutshot, the body shuts down, you can't breathe or talk. But the pain is actually more severe, being in just the single bobbly.
Pain index: 9
Time of incapacity: 60-120 seconds, depending on force
Lasting pain: an hour or more for immediate tenderness, dull aches for 2 hours after

The glancing blow: BY FAR the worst of the three. You'd think hitting both boys would be the worst, but no. The slight clipping of a buckeye is, without a doubt, the worst pain a man can feel. It's crippling, and for reasons you'd never expect - we can still move; we're not completely incapacitated like the full-blown nutshot or single-nut slammer. But I'm fucked if I know why I'd want to, because every single muscle and nerve ending is now tied directly to that ball. If I so much as flex my index finger, I feel pain in the area. It's not dull, it's VERY sharp and piercing. It's almost like being stabbed. A completely different sensation, and it destroys the rest of your day.
Pain index: It goes to 11
Time of incapacity: hard to articulate. Not incapacitated like the other two injuries... But you sure as hell think you are.
Lasting pain: The whole day. Maybe even the next afternoon. In case I haven't been clear, it's BAD.

And so, combining all of this into one morsel of knowledge, you now know why, if you asked a man which he'd rather have injured - [any body part here] or his best buddies, he'd pick [any body part] 9 times out of 8. It's not just the pain (although, that has a lot to do with it). It's the combination of evolutionary imperative, pride and excruciating pain.

And you now also know why you guys can't go comparing this pain with childbirth. Yes, you win - childbirth is more painful. But the buildup to it is 9 months, and you know it's coming and can opt for a cocktail of awesome drugs to cope. But with dudes, you get the double whammy on the double baggy of unexpected pain with loss of pride, topped with the cherry of knowledge that it could happen again almost immediately, and without warning.

And as always, ladies, you're welcome for yet another look into the world of men.

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3 Comments:

STR8EVIL said...: I've been kicked in the balls so hard at 3 different points in my life I salivated about a gallon of spit in 3 minutes. On one of those occasions I puked.

One time I worked in a factory and was lifting this roller table that was nailed down to some 2x4s. Well, the nails popped on the side nearest me when I jerked it up and moved it back towards me. I was wearing jogging pants and boxers that day, and the head of my member was somewhat smooshed between the roller table and the 2x4. I pulled it up right away, but I had to go sit in the break room for 30 minutes before I could move again. The head of my member was actually bruised for near 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were the only times in my life where I ever turned down getting a hummer.

I never wore boxers again, it turned me into a dedicated briefs man.; 10/26/2009 4:13 PM
amy grace said...: My favorite thing about this post is the number of descriptive terms you came up with for testicles.; 10/26/2009 4:45 PM
Jelly said...: I agree with amy grace.; 10/26/2009 10:09 PM

The Journal of Joe The Peacock. Yay.

10.26.2009:

For The Ladies: The Ins And Outs Of Getting Racked

3 Comments:

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