The Journal of Joe The Peacock. Yay.

Pain in my qASSia

2008-05-12T11:07:00.000-04:00

I was sent this really cool link from a guy named Douglas Ellisworth:

http://www.qassia.com/how-to-actually-talk-to-atheists-if-youre-christian

You'll note from the URL that it's called "How to actually talk to athiests (if you're christian)."

Now, you'll probably remember that there was a simil... I mean IDENTICALLY titled article just like that one on this blog last month. And if you read the linked article, you might be able to identify a few passages that are... How would you say it... Familiar?

Now, this whole blog is covered under Creative Commons, so I don't care if people re-paste it or share it. Part of that license says you should give attribution, but I normally don't care about that or chase it down - if someone wants to pretend to be me, fine - they'll learn their lesson when refrigerators start falling out of the sky on their cars and PeTA cows steal their dinner. But when they're earning "Qassia Dollars" or any other form of currency doing so, I have to get a bit miffed.

So, there's that for the morning. How's your day going?

The MacBook Pro Chronicles?

2008-05-11T11:55:00.002-04:00

I really, really, really hope this keyboard + trackpad issue on my Macbook Pro doesn't become another Motherboard Chronicles-story. I really, really, really hope it's fixed and done with... But the fact that I can't rely on my laptop's built-in keyboard and trackpad is REALLY upsetting.

Having to plug in a USB keyboard is a mild inconveinence - after all, you can just stack that where the non-functioning keyboard sits on your laptop and, you know... Play pretend. But the mouse... The mouse bit is REALLY infuriating. I can't just sit in a chair and work off my knees. I have to find a table to use the damn mouse.

It's aggrevating.

So, I've reverted my firmware from 1.5.1 to 1.5, and that didn't fix it - but I've read on a ton of forums that re-installing the 1.5.1 firmware update helps. So I have, and so far, it's working... The input "stutters" from time to time, but at least it's working.

Now, to publish this, put this thing to sleep, and see later if the fix took.

I'm being held hostage!

2008-05-08T10:06:00.002-04:00

I hate when I have to take my truck in for service.

Not because of the mechanics - the people at Merlin are freakin' awesome. They're honest, they treat younger people and women like they're actually human, and they do great work. But when I have to wait in the waiting room, and I can't leave since my truck's on a lift, I have no choice but to sit in the presence of the worst television programming ever devised.

I speak, of course, about the Fox News Channel.

As my friend Jeremy says, I'd rather watch a soap opera marathon on NBC than Fox News. I can literally feel myself growing stupider and angrier by just sitting in the same room as this television blaring the white-washed, bleached-out shills boasting about how America is constantly under attack by either terrorists, non-christians, or someone with a weather dominator sending tornadoes to obliterate the bible belt.

At least in the soaps, they have dudes who wear eye patches... And eye patches are entertaining to look at.

As I type this, these "news anchors" are hyping a live appearance by Rush Limbaugh who is appearing on the channel to discuss his involvement in Operation: Chaos and the loss for Obama in Indiana due to O:C's involvement.

This is news?

This needs to be covered? I mean...

Really?

And it's not like I'm going to give MSNBC, CNN or any other cable news network a free pass. They have their own issues (quite a few each, in fact), but right now, I'm not being affronted by them.

Just sitting here, I feel the need to go buy a gun. True, it's so I can storm the studios and blow these fucking shills away, but still, it's the need to buy a gun.

And holy shit, they just played that racist panda commercial for SalesGenie.com.

I HATE THIS STATION.

Firefox + MI

2008-05-07T09:25:00.001-04:00

I saw this in the ROFLCon photopool and thought it was really neat that someone thought enough to take the pic and publish it:

(That's the Firefox mascot, holding my book. Open Source browser holding Open Source book, etc.)

Here's one that Jeremy took from the front:

And one of my favorites, me with Tron Guy:

Bug Spray Conspiracy

2008-05-06T13:25:00.002-04:00

My friend Lori and I were talking about how uncanny it is that, each and every time a creepy, crawly bug is seen in our houses, the bug spraying dudes call just a few days after.

"Are you noticing any signs of infestation or intrusion?" They ask every two months, just a day or two shy of when one is spotted.

It is then that it occurred to me - the exterminators? The Orkin man? The Terminex guy? They're in on a vast, wide-ranging conspiracy. I believe - and of course I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, but it makes sense - that the formula of spray they spritz around and under the house is only an insecticide for one month and three weeks. On the last week of the 2nd month, the toxins are all drawn out of the formula, turning the residue into a moist, spongy cake that the insects are attracted to, because who the hell isn't attracted to moist, spongy cake?

Then, after a week of baiting all those nasty little bugs to your house, they call ever-so-punctually; pretending to be Mr. Orkin-man-on-the-spot, ready to help you get rid of your bugs for another two months! But they're actually confectioners of ant-candy and spider-taffy! They make delectable treats for the little buggers to much on!

Well the gig is up! I'm on to your little charade... You expatriated exterminators can go and "treat" another person's house, because I'm going to start pouring lye all over everything! Even the stove! Lye everywhere! I'm a lyer!

I need help.

Oh, the irony...

2008-05-06T09:44:00.003-04:00

There have been rumblings since last November about keyboard and trackpad issues with the Macbook Pro. I've not experienced any such issues... Until this morning.

At night, when I'm done writing (READ: chatting with jeremy about how I should be writing, but not actually writing), I drop the top on my lappy, put it in my handy-dandy laptop bag, and go to sleep. This has been the case since I bought the thing, and the only issue I've had with this particular workflow has been the occasional battery drain from leaving it on sleep for too long without plugging it up.

This morning, I had to go visit a client to do an emergency repair on some web crap I did for them a while back. Time was of the essence. I pulled out my laptop, opened the lid, and began to type my password...

...Nothing.

Tried to use the trackpad. Nothing.

Rebooted. Tried again. Nothing.

So, here I was, thinking I was completely screwed, when I looked over and saw an unused PC sitting near me. I unplugged the keyboard and plugged it into my Macbook Pro, and lo! The external keyboard worked! Same with the mouse!

It was only about 2 minutes ago that I looked down and noticed what brand it was:

...Saved by the very company who turned me on to Apple in the first place.

(For those unfamiliar with why this is so damn ironic, I encourage you to read the entire saga. It's long, but if you're a Dell owner who's ever had to call tech support [or, if you just fancy yourself a connoisseur of breakfast cereals], it'll be right up your alley.)

The Slip

2008-05-05T14:13:00.003-04:00

I'm on my 2nd listen of the new Nine Inch Nails record, and the best thing I can say about it is at least it's not Ghosts.

Ghosts SUCKED.

Like, not even "wasn't that good" or "isn't as great as NIN's other stuff" - the entire album, all 4 volumes of it, were shit. Total, absolute, unequivocal shit.

And this isn't. It's not bad. It's very similar to Year Zero in feel and presentation, and I really liked that album. Nothing can live up to The Fragile, of course, but this isn't horrible.

In other news, yet another blogger blogged about the album today. Look at me, being all blogospheric.

Happy Star Wars Day!

2008-05-04T16:57:00.002-04:00

May the Fourth be with you.

(I know, I groaned the first time I heard it too, but it's grown on me.)

A typical Joe day

2008-05-02T21:44:00.003-04:00

So, after getting a flat at the gym early this morning, AAA stripped the lugnuts while trying to get the wheel off. If that doesn't sound bad to you, basically it means that they could get the wheel OFF, but the lugs were now ruined - meaning you couldn't keep the spare ON.

Now, I could have had them tow the truck to the shop, but after 5 miles, it's expensive. So, I figured I'd have my wife come get me to go get lug nuts. I mean, they're lug nuts, right? You should be able to get lug nuts for any kind of car at any automotive shop...

...I'll spare you the story. You can't.

The Ram 1500 has steel-coated lugs, and I guess they're not standard in stores. I even went to TWO Dodge dealerships, both of which didn't have any. But this odd little store 3 towns away did (and my thanks to the 2nd Dodge dealership for actually calling around to find them for me).

Finally got the lugs. Finally got the spare on. Tired, tired, tired...

I get home, I lay down on my bed. I roll a little, and BOOM - the wood where the center rail is mounted just split and the box springs and mattress hit the ground.

It's just not been my day.

Unanimity

2008-05-01T08:01:00.003-04:00

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
- Christopher Morley

I like that. Some part of me really enjoys the thought of personal rebellion in the form of exposing oneself to thoughts and materials and ideas that are simply not being picked through by the masses. But the problem here is that, like most everyone, this feels like the mindset of a revolutionary - so it instantly calls to mind writings by political prisoners, social observers, "truth tellers" - Che Gueverra type stuff.

I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of people thinking about that right now, given the reports of gasoline rising to $7.00 a gallon by the end of the year and the absolutely insane "controversy" over Obama's pastor (what a red herring this is... Basically, no one can find any fault with Obama, so this seems like such a huge ordeal. It's nonsense - the pastor saw the red light illuminate on a camera and realized that every ounce of bullshit he can spew right now will add zeros to the book deal he's going to sign come August, when Obama's named as the Democratic candidate).

SO - with all of this in mind, I challenge you to read things that no one else is reading and think thoughts no one else is thinking, by going out today and buying a book on horseshoeing.

Yes, horseshoeing. No one is thinking about shoeing a horse these days... At least, the masses aren't. When was the last time YOU thought about horseshoeing? Today? If you answer 'yes', you're a big fat liar, because you most certainly did NOT.

So, there we have it. If you read a book on horseshoeing, it's pretty much a lock that you'll be doing something unique today. And if you ponder on the concept of horseshoeing, you'll be thinking thoughts no one else is thinking.

Except, of course, everyone who reads this stupid blog... But that's only, like, four people, so you're still safely out of the path of the mainstream.

First day back syndrome (FDBS)

2008-04-30T21:46:00.003-04:00

I've gone through this a few times now.

Have you ever gone to a place you used to go a lot, expecting to see faces and fixtures that were familiar to you - only to discover they've since remodeled and everyone's gone? It sucks, huh... Especially when you're taking your friend there, and all you've done for weeks is talk about that place like you're the expert on it.

Or, you go back to an old client, and you immediately start typing in addresses and looking for, say, code and images in the folders where they used to be - but they're not anymore, and you look like a dork.

The worst is with the gym - you go into the gym for the first time in months / years, and you immediately start doing the shit you used to do when you were working out 3/4/5 days a week... And for several days after, all you can lift is a spoon.

Well, I did that at the GenesisMMA (Mixed Martial Arts) gym tonight. I went in for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) class. Now, I've got a fair amount of Judo under my belt - and Judo and BJJ are very very similar. The major difference is that Judo has more rules on what you cannot do, and there are more throws involved... But otherwise, chokes are chokes, armbars are armbars, escapes are escapes... And even though I was extremely mindful of the gap-time between my last rondori and today, I still couldn't help sinking into old habits while rolling around with some of the guys.

And that got me into huge trouble - partly because there's a tremendous amount of rust in these old joints, and partly because I forgot that, in BJJ, you can bar the shoulder, wrist, knee, hip and ankle.

I must have left myself open to about 20 different submits... It SUCKED. I was getting beaten in very stupid ways by white belts. Not that there's anything wrong with beginning anything - I'm glad they got the chance to work their moves. The aggravation is with myself. I was stupid... I decided to go for some advanced and "risky" moves, and I got played every single time.

First Day Back Syndrome... It'll get you every time.

Downside/Upside, Vol. 1

2008-04-29T11:30:00.004-04:00

Starting point: trying on your old judogi.

Downside: Discovering that, even though it's the largest non-custom size available (size 6), it will NOT fit around me.

Upside: It's not because I'm too fat.

Downside: still, I need a new gi, and to get a size 7 (which will actually fit), I have to order a) full quality and b) custom size, which is expensive.

Upside: It's shiny and new.

Downside: I look like a n00b at the gym in shiny and new gi.

Upside: Players at the gym don't expect that I know a little something about the sport, which means UNEXPECTED "SWEEP THE LEG" ACTION

Downside: No "you're the best around" music playing during leg sweep

Upside: No mean / dirty sensei beating me up after the tournament when leg sweep fails to defeat crane kick.

Downside: No Mr. Miyagi beating up dirty sensei who beat me up after the tournament

Upside: I've envoked Mr. Myiagi in my stupid list, meaning there is no higher point to be reached, thus ending this ridiculous list.

Logan International Airport Is Complete Bullshit

2008-04-28T06:07:00.003-04:00

So, guess who was "randomly" selected for "random security screening" this morning? "Randomly?"

This has been a terrific morning. The shuttle was late picking me up from the airport, he dropped me off at the wrong terminal (B, instead of A, I presume because he saw the "American Airlines" stickers and crap all over my bag, but American booked me on Delta for today... Whatever), and because Logan has NO form of tram or shuttle, I got the extreme pleasure of walking across the entire airport, where I was told by the automated ticketing machine that there would be no automation in my ticketing today.

So I go wait in another line and get the distinct privledge of having a lady tell me all sorts of nonsense about regulations and whatnot, and after finally getting a "Seat Request" (not the same as a seat, mind you, because this is MY life, not a normal person's), I get to security where the funny little man at the kiosk informs me that the TSA will be going through all my luggage and whatnot, due to a "random" security check that has absolutely nothing to do with my behavior yesterday.

I was pat down by a friendly young man who lingered a little too long around my biceps, and my laptop got a nice swabbing to ensure I didn't accidentally pack some black powder into it for some reason or another. But hey - at least the fingergrease smudges around the edges are clean... er.

SO! If you find yourself with a "seat request" with a string of four s's on it (SSSS), get ready to be rubbed tender in the middle of the airport.

In other news, I've just become the biggest Yankees fan on the planet, because fuck Boston.

***Update***

...They just moved the flight to Atlanta from gate A16 to A19. This may not sound like a big change to you, but A19 is located a mere 10 minute walk from A16.

I'm going to explode.

Hey, guess who's stuck!

2008-04-27T17:24:00.005-04:00

Stuck in a two-seater plane on the runway at Logan (Boston) for at least another hour. Bonus: the air smells awful. At least I have the EVDO modem with me, so I can annoy all of YOU with my adventures in stagnation.

*** Update***

They just told us it'll be at least another hour before we could fly to LaGuardia. So, they're pulling us off the runway and into the terminal so we can "get more comfortable." I, for one, fail to see how I'm going to be more comfortable when I get off the plane, as I will have my right foot firmly lodged in the anus of someone at American Airlines.

This SUCKS.

***Update #2***

Oh, boy, are there updates... But I think that this event deserves to be an MI story. So, I'm going to write that right now and post it tonight. Once I do, I'll update again to point you to it so you can get the full story o' fury.

ROFLCon Recap, day 2

2008-04-27T15:03:00.003-04:00

Oh man... Where do I begin?

I'll begin with breakfast, because it's a pretty simple place to start. Basically, Jeremy and I had some. That's really all there is to this part of the story, and that's a fine thing, because it's also the only thing about day 2 that makes ANY sense to me.

I met so many people on Saturday (Caturday?) that it completely blows my mind. I sat in on the "Making it Big" panel and watched the Bros. Chap, the Cyanide and Happiness guys, Rooster Teeth (Red Vs. Blue) and Brad Neely talk about their creations and public reception, and how things have changed since they did them. I finally got to ask the Chaps about a story I heard from the former director of marketing at an old employer regarding how much Disney lauded them, and they verified it - so it turns out Peter DID go to high school with them and wasn't just flapping his gums. That was nice to know.

Afterward, I got to talk to them a bit, and that was nice - but the biggest win of that panel was getting to know the Cyanide & Happiness / Explosm guys. They are AWESOME. They're funny as hell and super nice, and were really into MI and wanted to read the book, so I gave them copies. I really enjoyed chatting with them for a while, and then Jason Scott showed up and started talking with all of us, which was even more like OMG WOW, given how big a fan I am of both groups - THEN Stephen Granade (who did LOLTrek and is a real-life rocket scientist) was there... It was nuts. I was introduced to the Chaps and got to share Atlanta stories with them for a moment, gave them a book, all that - which is when I ran into the Rooster Teeth guys and was able to talk about how much I love Red Vs. Blue. VERY long story short, they were really into MI as a concept too, and I gave THEM a book...

See a trend?

Anyway, we had very little in the way of lunch, because I got into a nice conversation with the guys who used to run LOLSecretz about the book and self-publishing, which was very rewarding and fun. Then, Drew's panel (Meme Frameworks) started, along with the MetaFilter guy, and Alexis from Reddit - and the guys from Overclocked Remix. That panel went really well, and the best part for me was being able to ask the OCRemix guys (who are THE foremost authorities on video game music and the various remixes out there) about the disgustingly under-discussed situation with Timbaland stealing chipcore music from Finnish artist Tempest (enjoy the latest info on this scandal here and be sure to click "more" to see the full video information and read all the links - there's SO much proof of his theft, yet he's still getting away with this???) They went OFF - which was the goal, trying to get awareness of that little situation for the biggest news propigation site owners on the net. And it looks like it worked, because Drew asked the OCRemix guys to gather all the info they have and send it over.

After that panel, the OCR guys were overwhelmed with people asking about their Final Fantasy VII remix disc and whatnot, so I just stepped up and started helping them sell shirts - which they sold out of, mostly because I'm loud and annoying and can get peoples' attention. We ended up hanging out after that panel, and it turns out the OCRemix guys are cool as HELL. I'm a huge fan of the Castlevania and Mega Man remix portions of their site, and it was FANTASTIC to meet DJ Pretzel and Liontamer. Of course I gave them books.

After the panel, Drew needed to do an interview with some Germans (that's literally all we knew about them), so we sat and waited in the lobby area, where Cheez from I Can Has Cheezburger plopped down next to me and introduced himself and just began talking to me about MI. I'm sitting there with my jaw open, wondering just how the hell he knows about it, and he told me he routinely gets LOLCat submissions that reference the Wal-Mart story, PeTA Cows and Dell. So he's checked it out and he really likes it. So yeah, I gave him a book, too.

Jeremy and I went to dinner with Drew Curtis and Jordan Golson, the man who broke the story about the sad treatment of the bloggers over at Gawker Media (and was consequently fired for it). Jordan is awesome - he drove us around all of Boston, and was overall just one big ball of information (as one who writes for ValleyWag is bound to be). Then, we went to this "VIP Party" for the guests of ROFLCon, which... Hell yeah. I get to be a VIP for once in my life.

That's where the most surreal part of an incredibly surreal day happened.

Right in the middle of talking to the OCRemix guys about video game music, my good friend Ian Spector came up to me and said "Hey, someone wants to talk to you." I said "Who?" and he responded "Martin Sargent."

I was all like omg.

Jeremy and I went over there, and there's 6' 5" Martin Sargent with a huge smile on his face. He shook my hand and told me he Google's his name periodically to see how his show is doing, and he ran across my blog post about how apprehensive I was to even attend the con and talk to him, so he started reading my blog and read through the Google Books version of my book and basically just went crazy researching just what the hell it is I do on the net. Long story short, he told me he really respects the project and would love to talk to me about it later after the con..

So, let's recap - Alexis from Reddit recognized me from the fist fight dealy, Jason Scott hung out and talked super mega knowledge about the oldschool internet, I hung around Drew Curtis and met the artists behind Cyanide & Happiness, the ONLY consistently funny webcomic on the net (besides Perry Bible Fellowship - and don't give me any of that XKCD crap, it WAS funny as hell until Randall started pandering to his audience instead of just being his own kind of smart and funny... He's STILL funny, just not consistently), and became friends with the OCRemix guys, and then had Cheez from I Can Has Cheezburger tell me how he found MI from researching cat macros about the Wal-Mart story and how much he likes it... AND THEN Martin Sargent actively sought me out to tell me ~~that I shouldn't be such a pussy~~ that I have a great project and he respects it...

Well. Let's just say the little fanboy in me was (is) going absolutely apeshit.

I've been in the industry of building internet crap for a long, long time, and I've been actively doing my own content-driven project since 2003, but that doesn't make me jaded - all it makes me is even BIGGER a fan of stuff worth liking. So yeah, I'm a huge fanboy. And it was a monster thrill to get to meet and hang out with all these great folks.

So, like, back to the sardonic and bitter observations of suburban life tomorrow... For now, I'm just going to beam and enjoy my extended visit to Logan Airport due to a delayed flight.

How to handle delays at the airport while your favorite hockey team is playing in the Stanley Cup Playoffs:

2008-04-27T14:43:00.002-04:00

Step 1: Get a Slingbox:

That's it. That's the only step.

ROFLCon recap, Day 1

2008-04-26T09:30:00.003-04:00

ROFLCon is... Well, exactly what you'd expect when meme's from the internet gather in a real-life venue with fans of said memes. That's all I really need to say, except that I need to change your expectation from "lame" to "very cool." Everyone's very friendly and we've had a lot of fun talking about all sorts of nerdy crap.

The highlights of my day yesterday:

Alexis Ohanian, one of the founders of Reddit.com (kn0thing), recognized me as "the fist fight guy" after the LOLCat panel. I made the last "comment" during Q/A letting everyone know where they could get cheap Viagra, and he called me out after the talk. It was neat. I gave him a book, where he promptly recognized the logo and mentioned the Wal-Mart story. I felt important. It was fun.

I also got to hang out with Tron Guy after his panel. He (understandably) has resentment for Fark.com's userbase due to the derision he received after his pics got posted. Of course he's over it now, but when he talked about Fark during the panel, Drew Curtis yelled out "Hey, screw you buddy!" No one knew what to think, until he said "I own that site!" Then everyone laughed. Jay (Tron Guy) asked "So you're Drew Curtis?" and promptly began to backpedal and explain that he loved the SITE, but the USERS.... It was cute. I gave him a book.

I got to talk with Jason Scott for a while about textfiles.com and his Wikipedia speeches. I've seen Jason a few times, at Notacon mostly, but it was great to get to just chat him up for a while. I've been a fan of his BBS documentary series since it launched (I HIGHLY encourage you to buy a copy, but you can find the entire series it free on Google Video), the guy is just plain brilliant. I gave him a book.

I also embarassed the hell out of my friend Ian Spector, who invented the Chuck Norris Fact Generator (and for whom I did a full site redesign). He was signing books in the main lobby, but was too timid to announce himself, so I just yelled and hollered as a good ol' southern boy is apt to do. I gave him a book, but I've owed him one for a year.

Mainly, the weekend has been just hanging out with friends and people I've talked to online for a long time. It's nothing at all like I feared, where I'd just be seen as an attention seeker in a room full of attention seekers. No one cares about that stuff here. We all just want to have a good time... It's been great thus far.

GOD do I love flying!

2008-04-25T12:14:00.002-04:00

You know what rules harder than having to yank a laptop out of your bag, take off your belt and shoes, and explain what a 'Wacom' tablet is to a minimum-wage security dork on a power trip?

Having to do it twice in one flight because you're connecting through LaGuardia (New York), who hasn't yet figured out a 'single security checkpoint' strategy and has the joy-inducing scanner stations at each terminal... To compound how much this rocks, add to this the fact that American Airlines is too STUPID to gate me in the same terminal as my connection...

Just so you know, this frustration you're sensing isn't so much due to the fact that I have to deal with stupid security measures (come ON - what terrorost worth his salt is going to try the light-my-nikes-on-fire routine again???), but the fact that I've recently lost weight but am too stubborn to go buy even NEWER pants... So TWICE now, I've tripped over the cuff of my sagging,beltless, two-sizes-too-big jeans and literally mooned the folks behind me.

Random thoughts while driving, vol. 1 - the music minor leagues

2008-04-24T22:45:00.002-04:00

Why are there no music minor leagues? Baseball, football, hockey, soccer... Hell, even ballet has a form of farm leagues or minor leagues. Why didn't record labels ever initiate some form of music minor leagues?

I mean, instead of spending umpteen millions marketing and promoting the same dreck based on catchy dances in a flashy music video so they can sell 15 million of one record by a crap artist who eventually harms the overall canvas of music as art, why not spend one quarter or one eighth that amount on creating an environment for budding musicians and training them to create music, then bringing them up to the "majors" when they reach a point where their art is gaining acceptance in the mainstream?

Credence Clearwater Revival released 4 records in a single year, and chances are, you've heard just about every single song on all 4 records. They're magnificent.

Jimi Hendrix released what could be counted as five records in three years. The Rolling Stones, Zeppelin, Sabbath... I mean, these bands create legacies. Springsteen, Dylan... Singer/songwriters who have consistently released good music and build a bigger audience with each one. This is FAR more profitable than spitting out flavor-of-the-month candypop nonsense or pseudo-deep dark rockers or Nickelback...

Why couldn't a forward-thinking record label buy a huge apartment building, pay an artist of promise, say, 10k a year plus room and board to just be in that environment, learning and nurturing their work? Watch their development, and groom them for the next step in a career? Even if you had a 1,000 tenant unit and only 1/10th of those tenants ever released records, you're spending a million a year on "salary" and another 10 million a year on room and board, nurturing talent that could easily bring you back more than a million sales per record at 9.99 a record across, say, 10 or 20 records, and sellouts at every venue - and they're your talent, because you sign them to deals for the trade in nurturing and development of their talent.

Instead, record labels are spending their diminishing profits each year suing their customer base who are simply seeking their product.

On ROFLCon (and my being there)

2008-04-24T09:06:00.004-04:00

Yeah, I'm kinda apprehensive about attending ROFLCon this weekend. I mean, I know I was invited to attend and whatnot, but... I dunno.

This isn't usually the kind of thing I go to or like doing. This is a convention all about people who get (or got) attention on the internet. And while I cautiously admit that I've gotten a little here and there, I'm nowhere near a "meme" or "internet celebrity." I have my supporters who buy my books, but that's hardly the same as being internet famous.

I REALLY suck at self promotion. At all of the book signings and readings I've done (which is quite a few now), the dynamic is that I'm there telling stories, you're there either to hear them or to shop for other books, but you end up hearing what I'm saying and you tune in. I don't approach you or ask you to come pay attention to me - I simply do what I do and you choose whether or not it interests you.

When you really analyze what I have to offer and condense it down to a "blurb" for self promotion, it fails on several fronts. "Hey, I wrote this book about myself on the internet" sounds about as interesting as "Hey, let me practice an appendectomy on you" to the casual observer. What I do and how I do it works SO MUCH BETTER when discovered on the readers' own terms. You choose to show up on the website or in person; you choose to read a story or listen to it. You pay attention because you want to, and when you do, you learn that I've done this book where you got to tell ME what was interesting enough to be included in it. You get to learn that I'm just a guy living life and throwing out vignettes about it here and there, sometimes wrapped up in humor, sometimes displaying cathartic venting about stupid bands... But you get it. It's a life, written down. And you choose to pay attention to that life.

At this kind of thing, it falls flat. I don't have a space of people who have chosen to be around me, specifically - I have a group of folks all interested in promoting their own material or, at best, just meeting folks. Attempts to say "Hey, you should pay attention to me because..." don't work so well for me. I'm not really on anyone's radar at this kind of event, which instantly relegates me to the minor leagues, where people who talk about themselves in any
capacity appear to be begging for attention or help or promotion from the bigger folks.

I know I could (and probably will) choose to just be a visitor. I can just say hi to folks I meet and take it all in and treat it like a bit of a getaway. But there will be quite a few folks in attendence that I know and am friends with who will introduce me as the guy who wrote that Wal-Mart story and did a book, and I'll be forced to go into my fail-laden spiel and ultimately look like a dork. And even if they don't, I probably won't be able to resist the temptation to approach Martin Sargent and the Wired magazine guys and whatnot and at least try to say "Hey, I'm me, this is what I do," at which point I'm going to look like a dork.

And I'm not afraid to look like a dork, which is why I'll do it. But that doesn't stop me from looking like a dork. Not being afraid of something doesn't instantly seal you away from it happening... Just ask anyone who's not been afraid to get shot during a war.

Anyway... Blah blah blah. Rant, whine, cry, all of that. If you're in the Boston area or going to attend the con, feel free to email me and let me know. We'll grab a beer or something. Look for the abnormally large guy in the Yankees jersey, begging to get rolled by the locals for daring to wear such a thing up there.

Can't catch a break

2008-04-23T22:04:00.004-04:00

I really intended to post a new story last Monday. But I was informed that I really, really, really shouldn't without a "legal review."

So, I figured I'd be in the clear THIS Monday, and because the story is so darned long (but will be posted in blocks of five parts a day) I figured everyone would forgive me for being late... But I wasn't, so now they can't.

And I had NOTHING planned or stored up. I really thought I was doing well with doing 23 parts in a single week. But I DO have some old journal posts I hoped to turn into story candidates for the MI book - and the problem is, I've already used one this month with the Christian girl witnessing to me at Starbucks (of course, it's MUCH more built out and story-like than the blog post).

And then, yesterday, I got this:

Soooooo basically, it's "Hey, don't post cause you might get in trouble! But post FASTER or else you're in huge trouble! But don't post until you're able to post cause, like... Trouble!!! BUT DO IT FASTER, OR ELSE TROUBLE!!!!!!"

I. Just. Plain. Want. To. Cry.

Hey Ladies - Want to know why every guy you date sucks?

2008-04-22T14:56:00.001-04:00

This one's really quite easy.

All relationships - like all purchases, acquisitions, deals, agreements and anything else that requires knowledge and acceptance of terms before execution - are built upon concessions... What you're willing to do without in order to get that which you want.

You keep dating dickheads because you keep conceding the wrong points.

If you meet a cute guy and you find out he cheated on his girlfriend, and you date him, you conceded monogamy for good looks.

If you meet a guy who's willing to spend money on you but has had a history of hitting his girlfriend, and you date him, you're conceding your personal safety for monetary gain.

If you meet a hot guy guy who's always got girls around him and you decide to be one of those girls, you're conceding... Well, your dignity for one thing, but the ability to have a steady, single guy for the chance that you might be seen with him.

You see, it's no secret that you, the routinely screwed-over girl who always seems to be unable to find a "good guy", value nothing that "good guys" have and everything that has nothing to do with being a "good guy." You want all the good guy qualities wrapped into the actual things you value - money, looks, attention, power, what-have-you, so that you can keep the thing you're seeking... But make no mistake. You don't value honesty. You don't value integrity. You don't value concern or monogamy or trust or love or bonding... You say you do, but you don't. You even argue with me that "No, I really do! I promise!" but you don't.

If you did, it'd be the FIRST thing you keyed in on. It'd be the barrier to entry. It'd be the thing that isolated and locked-in your potential mate. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't care about physical beauty - it's human nature to be attracted to hansome guys. But which are you willing to concede first to get him - the fact that he might not be cute / rich / powerful? Or, do these sorts of things come out of your mouth instead:

"He cheated on her, sure, but he won't cheat on me"
"He won't leave his wife, but I can change him and make him love me"
"Yeah, he's a jerk, but he's good in bed..."

In order to improve this situation, all you really have to do is just shut the hell up. I mean, not even change your perspective or your attitude or look for the thing you claim to value - just SHUT UP. Quit talking to me about it. I'm tired of hearing it.

If you actually wanted a decent guy, you wouldn't be bar-hopping and talking about the cute hotties you meet and whatnot. You wouldn't, as a group, dump at least 20 of my fantastic and super awesome friends for someone 'cuter' or 'richer' under the guise that there was no chemistry. You wouldn't even have this conversation, because you'd recognize that there are tons of great guys in the world who might not meet your GQ standards of beauty or Forbes level of material desire - but who would be willing to swim the Atlantic to get you a box of English toffee if all you did was ask. So why not just accept who you are, instead of paying lip service to the people in the cubicles around you every day so you don't look like quite such a whore?

You're lying to yourself about it, which means you're lying to me about it, which makes me not only bored but irate. Just admit you're a vapid, hollow shell of a human who cares only about material goods and exterior beauty because you bother yourself more with how you're seen than with actually living a fufilled, happy life.

There you go, all the free advice you can shove up your ass about the matter. Good luck.

MI Vegas Recap - Day 3

2008-04-21T22:35:00.002-04:00

Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - was excited to hit the very famous automatic rifle range in Vegas. So, that's what we did yesterday.

Even the timid and uncertain among us got into the act and rented crazy, exotic weapons. Mike and Jeremy pretended they were in Rainbow Six and chose MP5's. Nick fired a Desert Eagle .50 cal, while Kelsey went to town with a 12 gauge pump-action Mossberg 500 (and she went NUTS with it - I've never seen such a small chick do a load-and-fire cover sequence so enthusiastically and with such expertise...). Jessie took care of business with an uzi, while her fiancee John tore things up with an AR18-A. Me? I had to try an AK-47 and a SAW.

The best of the day, though, was Sean (Loki). The gun range was all he talked about from the moment he landed, and it showed when he got his hands on an M-16. He's a small, thin guy, and the weapon was a bit overwhelming at first. He took his stance, got the gun positioned the way the rangemaster suggested, opened fire, and immediately took out imaginary helicopters flying on the ceiling. It was entertaining, but not in a "Haha, he screwed up" way - it was great to see him finally get to do what he wanted to do all weekend. He ended up with a little gunpowder residue on his cheek from the discharge, and wore it with pride back to the hotel.

There were a few MI'ers who are ex-military who stood down, mostly because... Well, it's pretty much boring to them. But they enjoyed the excitement everyone had. I just wish some of the folks who had to leave earlier could have made it. And some of the crowd got more enjoyment out of observing, so they didn't fire... But overall, it was the most unifying experience of the weekend. And all of us learned one very important lesson - do NOT piss off Kelsey, especially if she gets her hands on a shotgun.

After that, we all kinda split up and did our own thing. I gave back to the Paris casino a few of the dollars that I'd won from it's sister, Bally's, while other groups went touring and sightseeing. Jeremy, Mike, Nick's dad and I had a charming dinner with Kelsey and William, then Jessie and John and I hopped a cab to the airport, where I met with Mike and flew home. I got to say goodbye to everyone who's still out there today, and look forward to hearing what kind of fun they had in my absence.

Overall, this was one of the best gatherings / trips I've been part of in a long time, if not ever. Everyone got along extremely well, there was much fun and laughter, and the weekend flew by entirely too quickly.

MI Vegas Fun - Day 2 Recap

2008-04-20T18:53:00.003-04:00

The book signing in Vegas was my favorite. Not just my favorite part of the day, but my favorite signing so far. Matt Galloway was there with me, and the vibe was fantastic, we had about 30 folks in all just for the MI book. The store was VERY into the event, and gave us the whole cafe to talk and sign. Customers and walkers-by would stop and hang out to hear me and Matt tell our stories and generally just be silly. In all, about 70 or so people gathered around to hear the stories and laugh and just enjoy life for a while. Thank God for Tricia (chickenlittle) and Grace (grace) for having their cars handy to cart us around.

After that, we all went to lunch at In-and-Out Burger, which is absolutely the finest burger one can get on this planet ever ever. Afterward, we went to Jessie and Jon's Elvis wedding, which was hilariously campy. The Elvis held an iPod in his hand the entire time with a long RCA cable spooled to a goofy amp setup, and every time he went to choose a song, the "click" would blast through the PA. I ended up giving Jessie away for the wedding, which in and of itself was funny. The couple laughed and had fun and did kissyface and whatnot.

Then we went gamblin'.

I'll spare you the long and boring details - I ended my night with a little under $700 in winnings from the craps table. To top it all off, I ended my night with a private concert by the one and only Grace Kennedy, who is not only a good friend, but one of the most amazing singer/songwriters you've never heard of. I want to do a full writeup on this wonderful songstress, and will do so in a separate article because I really want to do both her and her music justice... For now, go to her site and listen to "Just me" and "Don't bother", which will both absolutely own your soul.

Yes, I'm a total fanboy.

Not a bad night, for sure.

So yeah, yesterday totally ruled.

I'll do today's recap tomorrow, cause then it'll be a recap, not just a cap cap.

MI Vegas Fun - Day 1 Recap

2008-04-19T10:50:00.002-04:00

So, we're here in Vegas. Last night was fun - we all went to Gameworks and played some air hockey and pool and goofy arcade games from the 90's, then drank a bit of Guinness and watched the NHL Playoffs before heading off to Penn and Teller.

There was a bit of a ticketing and scheduling scare with P&T. The box office insisted that we arrive by 8:30 PM to get our tickets, and we were all running a bit behind after a slight "wardrobe malfunction" on the part of the classless gaggle of guys who didn't realize they were supposed to dress a bit more classy for the occasion (I won't names names, mostly because I refuse to speak about myself in the third person).

Our last two folks showed up about 7:45, and I had to get them checked in - so everyone else went to the hotel and I opted to catch up via cab. One problem - I was the holder of the magical and mysterious credit card and the reservation for the tickets, which I'm sure gives you plenty of forewarning of what I'm going to write next.

After getting everyone settled, Grace, Marc and I ended up getting into a cab with a driver who has only been in Vegas for 3 months, was hard of hearing, and paused right in front of the Rio Hotel before taking us an extra mile and a half to the Palms. Now, he claimed he was hurrying through traffic, which entitled him to the full payment of $14.15, even though the meter read $10.20 when he was paused in front of our ACTUAL destination. Furthermore, he claimed that he didn't hear us ask, then insist, then YELL about the fact that we were not at the Rio, but instead at the Palms. And lastly, he claimed that he's now stuck in a Taxi queue, so he couldn't actually turn around and take us to the proper destination.

This was at 8:31 PM, a full minute after I was supposed to be there to get everyone's tickets.

So, we did what we could and ran about a mile and a quarter to make it to the box office, who were gracious enough to let us proceed to see a great comedy/magic show.

Also, throughout the day, we collected a TON of nudie girl ad-cards, and have been using them to play an impromptu and much-improved version of Magic: The Gathering.

All-in-all, Friday was a blast.

Today, I'm doing a short signing at the UNLV Barnes and Noble at noon, followed by a pre-wedding ceremony for Jessie (Jezibelle) and Jon by Elvis. And after that, I think we're going to go to a weapons range and fire an AK-47 - the Canadians in the group are frothing at the mouth to get their hands on fully automatic weaponry.

I'm fearful.