The Journal of Joe The Peacock. Yay.

6.10.2008:

Dreams (and a philosophical question)

11:42 AM

I just woke up from a much-needed nap.

I had a dream this nap.

It spawned a question. And now I am blogging, instead of peeing. So bear with me on this one.

The dream:

I had to screen a movie that I had written and directed before an audience of over 400 people, at some major film festival... Only I didn’t remember writing any of it or directing any of it.

Now, I should clarify that, in the dream, it wasn’t “not remembering”, where I did it and I just forgot. It was more like I wasn’t even there while it was being done, but I had done it. This is how dreams work - the actual reality of how a thing may or may not have come about is irrelevant. Maybe I was on drugs when it happened; maybe someone kidnapped me, made me make a movie, and then pulled the memory out of my head. However it came to be, I was standing there in front of an audience about to screen a film I wrote and I directed, the content of which I had absolutely no clue about. So basically, I was also screening it for myself.

So, I screen it, and it turns out the movie is about my childhood. It was during when I was living in Decatur, GA before Decatur became “Decatur” (these days, Decatur is rather hip for the most part, with condos in the downtown area routinely selling for $500,000 and houses going for that or more. When I was a kid - and this isn’t part of a dream, by the way, this is how it was - Decatur, GA wasn’t exactly the hip cultural center it is now. I was one of two white children in all five of the elementary schools I attended (I got expelled quite a lot for causing trouble), except for the one school - Hooper Alexander - where I was one of THREE white kids... And all of us - white and black - were as poor as the day is long. There were no yuppies; there were no Starbucks or art stores or neighborhood parties on the weekends. You stayed inside, unless you were actively selling drugs, or arresting those who were. It was crime infested, burnt out, and overall, the entire city amounted to some bizzaro theme park where the rides were all types of crime you might have happen to you during the day - The Car Jack, the Smash-n-Grab, the Home Burglary, and so on).

Wow, that’s a long aside. I’m going to have to start over, because trying to continue after that end parenthesis is going to result in my losing you... If I haven’t already.

Anyway. The movie in my dream was about my childhood in Decatur, particularly my 4th grade year in school. I remember smiling the entire time I was watching the movie I was screening, thinking nothing about the memories and the sentimentality of an entire childhood whose purpose was simply to learn how NOT to live like a racist dipshit. No, I was just glad that no one who was watching the screening had gotten up and left yet. The movie wasn’t terrible.

The thing is, every scene I was watching in this movie - even though it was real and based on my life, and the kid playing me WAS me at age 9 - felt completely new... Like I was watching it in the theater for the very first time. It didn’t feel like watching a memory on a screen, like movies of your life can sometimes feel in dreams. This one, and all the scenes in it, felt completely, 100% original. Which scared me, given that I was supposedly the writer and director. But at least it wasn’t bombing.

There was a point in the movie, about 30 minutes in, where I got into a “jawning” contest during recess with one of the boys who thought, because I was white, I couldn’t hang (for those of you who have no idea what “jawning” is, it’s basically a fun word meaning “put down”). And, I said a particularly nasty one during the 3rd round of insults, and every kid around me started cheering, giving the appropriate “Oh, SNAP”-s, when I suddenly woke up.

The thing is, that one line never happened in my real life. Not that I can remember, anyway. The dream produced a new piece of dialogue in an old memory, neither of which I remembered while IN the dream as having lived or created.

As happens when anyone first awakens immediately from dreaming, you first have to digest what the hell just happened, and you draw the dotted line in consciousness that separates dream from reality. What anyone does after doing that, I don’t know, except to say that I believe everyone has their own process. My personal process is to immediately begin sifting through anything behind that dotted line (that I remember) to find either a) meaning or b) usable content for a story, novel or work.

The meaning - I was displaying a creative work of mine before strangers without being aware of any of the substance of the work. This one’s easy. As everyone who’s taken Psychology 101 in college knows, It’s about having sex, as all dreams are (except for those about cigars, according to Freud).

But then the winning put-down line hit my brain, and with it, the content of the movie regarding my childhood in Decatur, and I realized I would soon have to put out a story about that stuff, because really, there’s some great stuff to talk about from that era of my life. But something kinda dawned on me - a weird philosophical question, and the purpose for this entire post:

If I use the line from the movie I screened in my dream, that I didn’t know any of the content of in advance, and didn’t remember writing in the dream - and furthermore, that line actually didn’t happen in real life - which makes it an absolutely new, externally-produced idea and piece of content to my dream self... Did I actually create it? And if I use it, am I actually plagiarizing from myself?

(Just so you know, this is the kind of shit that my wife has to put up with weekly, if not daily. Kinda makes 6 years of marriage a miracle, huh?)

Labels: plagarism, silliness, whiny bullshit

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6.05.2008:

The Etymology of Human Male Non-Verbal Communications (or, Why Men Fist-Bump)

10:26 AM

From insects to reptiles to mammals, all living things share between one another a set of instinctive communication that, through evolution or out-of-the-box, we all understand.

But there are a special subset of non-verbal tools that are used predominantly, if not exclusively, between human males. Sure, women might engage in sharing nods, handshakes, fist bumps, and other forms of communication, but they do so as mimics; not fully understanding the subtleties and subtexts of these communicative forms.

I’ve taken it upon myself to create this guide to these male-specific gestures and actions, so as to extend an olive branch of understanding across gender divides (and also, to make up for laughing at my wife when she asked me about fist-bumps earlier this morning... Hopefully this will get me out of the doghouse and, possibly, a new XBox 360 game).

Non-physical communication:

The Nod
Nods are fairly simple in their execution. Eye contact between two men is made, and a choice between two types of nod is instantly made:

Up-nod
Usually friendly, and used when one has met or seen the intended recipient before on good terms. Can and usually does lead to further forms of communication, such as the fist bump.

Down-nod
Politeness in a gesture, quite simply. Used when the two parties are unfamiliar with one another and are on positive grounds, or when the two have met previously and aren’t exactly comfortable with talking to one another. Almost always indicates “I am no threat to you, and I hope you aren’t one to me.” Not to be confused with a head-duck to avoid eye contact.

Note: The upnod and downnod are sometimes transcoded and interchanged by a special subset of users, the “White Suburban Gangster.” Men typically pay no attention to this subset of their gender, as they are a backwards group and tend to get a lot of things confused.

The "Power Fist”
Seen pretty regularly in gym or fitness settings, this indicates that one is to do whatever it is they are about to do with great force or power. It’s usually used before the event, but is sometimes given after the event as a sign of affirmation and pride from a coach or a father. Sometimes abused by douchebags in photos while wearing fake tans and too much hair gel, and always abused by politicians.

Good Power Fist:

Bad Power Fist:

Peace Sign
Doesn’t actually mean “peace” between men... Usually means “I’m too cool to use all five fingers when I wave to you.”

Sideways Peace Sign

This says “I’m a douche.” There are NO exceptions.

“Metal Hands” / Hook Horns (not at a concert)
In a concert or musical context, this means "OMG RAWK", and is used freely between both genders. In a non-music context, this is usually celebratory, or to show extreme excitement for an upcoming event. Similar to the "Power Fist”, but not reserved for jocks and athletes. One might give “Metal Hands” to another for an exceptional joke, for performing a gnarly stunt, or for making a saving throw when the Wood Elf Ranger ambushes a party in the Woods of Despair.

Bow
Normally reserved for Asian cultures, or extreme forms of respect in Western cultures (subjects bowing to their King, etc). When done by an American male to another American male, it’s usually going to be a sarcastic gesture intended to embarrass the other for being too commanding.

This never happens in America. Ever.

Salute
Salutes can mean two things, based on context:

Respectful: playful form of rank-establishment. When done to a person in position of authority who is also friendly with the saluter, it means they heard the instruction loud and clear and will do what was asked, but the saluter also wishes to establish a playful note so that he doesn’t seem “obedient.” It means “I’ll do this because I respect you, not because I was ordered to.”

Disrespectful: See “Bow.” Usually leads to argument, and in extreme cases, a Knuckle Bump to the face.

Kneel
Only performed before Zod.

Who the hell WOULDN'T kneel before this man? Not you, right?

Physical

High Five
Extremely casual and versatile. Ranges from brand new acquaintanceships all the way to lifelong friendships. Can be a greeting, a form of celebration, or just a simple “Right on.” This particular form of communication is heavily context-sensitive, and as such, stands as the one form of communication that can be used in just about all situations.

Low Five
Usually followed after high-five, especially when done with 5-year-old nephews. Can sometimes be followed by clasping the recipient nose, pulling away, and saying “I’ve got your nose.” If you see two adults doing this, look around for your time machine and get the hell out of the 1970’s.

Fist Bump (AKA Knuckle Bump)
The reason for this article. The male fist bump is a varied and nuanced ritual, but really only boils down to a simple concept - an informal greeting between casual friends.

Classic Fist bump (vertical)
Used by those who truly understand the fist bump. Simple contact between two clinched fists. Used liberally between men who aren't trying to put on airs or seem hip. In most casual circles, this is the predominant male greeting. In "hip" circles, this is seen as "played out" because those circles are fucking douchebags who care far more about wearing oversized $300.00 sunglasses intended for women.

"Dap" double-tap overhand fist bump
Sometimes done by your dad when he wants to be cool. One male taps the other male on the top of a closed fist, the other male repeats, and the the two tap knuckles straight on. This might have been casual and cool in the mid to late 1960's in the inner-city, radiating outward into the Caucasian suburbs by the 1970's. These days, it's only used by the type of men who want to keep only a touch of gray (note pathetic cross-gender peace sign usage in link).

“Exploding” Fist Bump
A Fist Bump (either vertical or horizontal) followed by a mock “explosion” by flinging all five fingers outward and making a “Bwooosh!” sound with pursed lips. See “Sideways Peace Sign” (except if done after a particularly spectacular touchdown by an NFL player... And that’s only on a case-by-case basis).

Forearm / Elbow Bump
This is a slightly advanced form of Fist Bump, reserved for acquaintances who see each other often, or newly created friendships. The Forearm Bump is done almost always because one of the parties has their hands full, has just soiled their hands, or has just washed their hands but does not want to be rude. There are exception cases to the forearm bump, such as a late-notice of a passing acquaintence where it is just slightly too late to make hand contact, but can be saved with a quick bump of elbows or forearms.

Hand Clasp
The most advanced form of casual physical communication due to the many variations and contexts. This is one step above Fist Bump and one step below Handshake in terms of formality, and the highest form of friendly greeting between men.

Overhand hand clasp
Sometimes called the "soul brother handshake" by dipshits. This form of handshake looks like the form of grip that is used in traditional arm wrestling.

Overhand hand clasp to finger clasp (Bonus - add finger point)
The grip from the Overhand Hand Clasp is loosened, and the hands slide backwards into a finger-lock. The grip is re-tightened. This is usually an added feature to the Overhand Hand Clasp to indicate level of urban sophistication, and is usually laughed at when white people do it (unless said white person has demonstrated a keen understanding and appreciation for all things hip-hop, meaning they can name at least three Eric B. and Rakim tracks, understand what "doing an Ep in my Jeep" means WITHOUT GOOGLING, and have completely disavowed anything ever even remotely attached to 50 Cent).

Overhand hand clasp to shoulder bump
A human equivalent of two rams butting heads with one another. This greeting is fueled by testosterone and Red Bull. Usually used by people who obsessively call each other "bro."

Overhand hand clasp to one-arm hug (AKA “Man Hug”)
Brothers, or friends as close as brothers, will do this. It's a safe display of positive emotions one man might have for another. If the two are not exceptionally close, this particular greeting is acceptable ONLY if there has been a notable span of time between the last time they've seen one another and now.

Overhand hand clasp to heel-kick-lock to spin dismount
Reserved only for Kid n’ Play.

Classic Handshake
Ah, the defacto male greeting. Yes, females use it too, but it’s usually JUST a greeting if done by or to a female. The male handshake, however, is rife with subtlety and subtext, depending on point of contact, grip, pressure, length of duration, and the stature and status of the two parties involved.

This could really be an entire article unto itself, and probably one day will be. But for now, I’ll touch on some of the more prominent components of a male-male handshake and their associated meanings:

Hand Placement: Deep-set hand placement, where the webbing between the thumb and forefinger is set as close as possible to the same on the other male's hand, indicates a general respect for people. It shows that one's father showed them how to give a proper handshake. The further back the hand is set when the grip is closed, the less respect you apparently have for the person you are shaking hands with (and for most people in general).

Pressure: Pressure equals confidence. The more pressure applied to a grip, the more confience the male is presuming to communicate they possess. Not enough pressure, and you are seen as weak. Too much pressure, and you are seen as overbearing and boorish, overcompensating for something. A firm handshake, where pressure is applied by both parties so as to create an equilibrium, indicates confidence on both sides.

The added hand: a second hand clasped over the extended hand of a man one is shaking hands with indicates a formal form of familiarity and warmth. When a man shakes hands with someone and places their left hand over the back of the other man's hand, he is saying "We are friends. Feel comfortable." Whether or not he means it depends entirely on how much he desires of the person he is shaking hands with.

The inner-palm middle-finger tickle: Leads to man on man UNF-ing.

I hope this guide has helped shed some light on the world of male-to-male non-verbal communication. At the very least, I hope the Kid-n-Play animation was entertaining, because it took forever to find a high enough quality video on YouTube to grab screenshots from.

***Update 6.6.08 11:41 AM ***

Using the word Etymology is entirely intentional. I'll leave it to you scholars and world-shakers of humor to figure out why. Hint: it rhymes with "bun"

Labels: secrets of the male race, silliness

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6.03.2008:

BARACK OBAMA!!!!

4:52 PM

OMG OBAMA WON!!!

WAY WAY WAY EVEN MORE EXCITING THAN KIMBO SLICE!!!!!!!

WATCH OUT CAUSE OMG HERE HE COMES RIGHT INTO A HOUSE THAT IS WHITE! AS A PRESIDENT!

PRESIDENT OBAMA!!!!!!!

Labels: politics, silliness

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6.01.2008:

PROPER!

3:15 PM

Let's make it smooooooooooooooooooooooth - ROUGH!

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(posted via mobile device. Please forgive any errors and/or pointlessness)

Labels: old school, silliness

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5.23.2008:

OHMYGODI'MGONNADIE

9:19 PM

OH MY GOD you guys... You are NOT going to believe this email I just got from "Blood Blood!"

YES THAT'S RIGHT, his first AND last name is Blood! And he just sent me this... This... Well, take a look at it for yourself!!!

From: BLOOD BLOOD
Subject: SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days.

Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you. If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail.

Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.

Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $3,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $5,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.

Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.

For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to take any legal action. Good luck as I await your reply to this email contact: mayhissolrestinpeace2@gmail.com
Bye.

William yahman.

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

His boys! Did you see? HE'S GOING TO SIC HIS BOYS ON ME! HIS FUCKING BOYYYYYSSSSS!

And I can't believe that someone... Who I call a "friend"... Would want me DEAD! Dead enough to have William Yahman sic his BOYS on me!

HIS BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait...

OH SHIT! I just totally broke the rules by posting this here - he's going to kill me because I contacted somebody about this! And my family! He and HIS BOYS are going to kill my family!!!

And why? Because someone I call my friend has paid "a lot of money" for this! A lot of money! Which amounts to $8000.00...

Wait...

I'm only worth $8,000.00 to kill?

Really?

I mean... $8000.00? A fucking Yaris? I'm worth a goddamn Yaris to someone?

Well fuck you, William Yahman! Really! How dare you settle for so little? I mean, Wal-mart has paid lawyers well over $8000.00 to try to take my website down - NOT KILL ME, but just take my simple, stupid website down! And you're going to KILL ME for $8000.00?

Wow. Pathetic. And you call yourself (and YOUR BOYS) a hitman... Christ, I've played video games where people get paid, like, $15,000.00 to just scare a man. You're settling for $8k for my death? Do you know how much my death is really worth? I mean... The contract with Penguin... Lost book sales... Outstanding clients waiting for work to be done... You're going to have a LOT more than $8k on your head once you take me out, man. A whole lot more.

God, William Yahman. You really need to be thinking more clearly here if you're going to make it in this hitman world. I mean, first off, what person who would call themselves my friend - who knows how much my death is actually worth - would actually pay only $8k to kill me? Doesn't that sound like a pretty low-ball figure for a friend - a REAL friend - to pay for my death?

A real friend would probably pony up WAY more than that. If they were actually my friend, that is.

No, William Yahman, I think you got scammed, buddy. I bet after you stab me with your rusty shiv or shoot me with your potato gun or whatever (or have YOUR BOYS do it), you're just going to get stiffed. In fact, I bet you know that already, and that's why you're trying to hustle ME for the eight large.

Pathetic. Just pathetic.

Labels: insanity, silliness, utter failure

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5.12.2008:

Pain in my qASSia

11:07 AM

I was sent this really cool link from a guy named Douglas Ellisworth:

http://www.qassia.com/how-to-actually-talk-to-atheists-if-youre-christian

You'll note from the URL that it's called "How to actually talk to athiests (if you're christian)."

Now, you'll probably remember that there was a simil... I mean IDENTICALLY titled article just like that one on this blog last month. And if you read the linked article, you might be able to identify a few passages that are... How would you say it... Familiar?

Now, this whole blog is covered under Creative Commons, so I don't care if people re-paste it or share it. Part of that license says you should give attribution, but I normally don't care about that or chase it down - if someone wants to pretend to be me, fine - they'll learn their lesson when refrigerators start falling out of the sky on their cars and PeTA cows steal their dinner. But when they're earning "Qassia Dollars" or any other form of currency doing so, I have to get a bit miffed.

So, there's that for the morning. How's your day going?

Labels: plagarism, religion, silliness

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5.01.2008:

Unanimity

8:01 AM

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
- Christopher Morley

I like that. Some part of me really enjoys the thought of personal rebellion in the form of exposing oneself to thoughts and materials and ideas that are simply not being picked through by the masses. But the problem here is that, like most everyone, this feels like the mindset of a revolutionary - so it instantly calls to mind writings by political prisoners, social observers, "truth tellers" - Che Gueverra type stuff.

I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of people thinking about that right now, given the reports of gasoline rising to $7.00 a gallon by the end of the year and the absolutely insane "controversy" over Obama's pastor (what a red herring this is... Basically, no one can find any fault with Obama, so this seems like such a huge ordeal. It's nonsense - the pastor saw the red light illuminate on a camera and realized that every ounce of bullshit he can spew right now will add zeros to the book deal he's going to sign come August, when Obama's named as the Democratic candidate).

SO - with all of this in mind, I challenge you to read things that no one else is reading and think thoughts no one else is thinking, by going out today and buying a book on horseshoeing.

Yes, horseshoeing. No one is thinking about shoeing a horse these days... At least, the masses aren't. When was the last time YOU thought about horseshoeing? Today? If you answer 'yes', you're a big fat liar, because you most certainly did NOT.

So, there we have it. If you read a book on horseshoeing, it's pretty much a lock that you'll be doing something unique today. And if you ponder on the concept of horseshoeing, you'll be thinking thoughts no one else is thinking.

Except, of course, everyone who reads this stupid blog... But that's only, like, four people, so you're still safely out of the path of the mainstream.

Labels: being yourself, Joe is retarded, rebellion, silliness